Abuse

First of all apologies to those of you who do read my blogs I have been travelling for the past few months .

I know the title is a strong one but one that needs to be spoken about.

I had been abused as a child and I do believe the fat was there as a protection. Some how the child believed if I am fat and ugly everyone will leave me alone.
I also believed I had dealt with my abuse issues and did not have to have abuse in my life anymore. I also failed to see when I was verbally abusive to others.

But it seems there is some element in me that still called it up.

Recently on my travels I went to be trained as an actress at the ripe old age of 57. I was confident and ready for the big screen.

The only problem was that the director was a drunk who was so verbally abusive it made grown men tremble. I was the first one on the workshop to cop his abuse. A tirade that was directed at me that at first I thought 'what is wrong with this man?' Eventually he did have me in tears. I kept telling him I have no fat to protect me back off. But he would not. I survived that attack and then wrote to him never to talk to me like that again.

However it was not enough for him. He did come back with more bullying and attacking. Now I was learning. This time when he attacked me I stood my ground and said STOP. One word that no one had told him ever in his life. He was a director and ready to throw his weight around on everyone.
In fact on the course the fist thing he told us is that a film director is like G-d . I should have left at that point.

I did not . I stuck the course out despite his drunken tirades and finally on the last night I told him what I thought of him. A drunken old man who misuses girls who  are already  confused in life. I have to tell you, to actually express my disgust to him was wonderful

I have been asked why did I stay on and not leave after the first tirade. I am a sticker and it did feel right to be there. So I stuck it out.

I did however meet amazing people and because I was in rebellion from the beginning ignored his attempts to block us from meeting the locals and seeing the town.

Lets hope that this strong lesson that I went through has served its purpose that I do not need to take abuse or give abuse.

I really hope that my lesson is learnt

And will I act on big screen? Who knows, certainly not with that director, but there are others who have asked me to be in their films. I do believe I will be a great actress as I am able to "enter " anothers story due to the abilities as a healer.

My voice as an actress is going to be one of truth , even if I am to play the 'bad ' it will be from a place of authenticity

I sincerely hope that there are some decent directors out there. And that these are the ones I will work with.

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